假装。

可能你会问有些事情真的可以遗忘吗？
不能忘的，可能就可以用言语假装。
假装， 多好。

施人诚就是不一样，一个人的心碎就被他这样写出来了。被抛弃的自尊，是要逞强掩饰，还是要坦然对待。一条长长的街，坚强的往下走，下一站真的会是幸福吗？你会相信吗？

可能不是没人爱，只是走多了，脚也会酸。

唉 - 歌是很好听，怎么MV拍起来怪怪的叻~！

Keeping Sanity.

well, in these crazy days of catching up with the pace and trying to stay ahead, what's keeping sanity are little moments stolen out of the busy routine to engage in random indulgence. one of which is food -

one of the breakfasts i made - parmesan cheese mushroom toast

luncheon meat carbonara

tuna aglio olio with long beans

well though i must say some of them really look better than they taste, but well, it's the process that makes them different from those bought off the stall, or restaurant for that matter. the momentary stroke of genius (or ##@$@!!!!) fueled by creativity, well it's with a sense of accomplishment you eat your own cooked food!

my mum was kind enough to say i can open my own restaurant. but oh wells i know better.

and so - i just finished my last project for the semester and right now, i can fully concentrate on my revision, right. i so hope i know what to study, or rather how to prepare for my final exams!

but exams aside, being so focussed on projects and reports have left me somewhat disregarding the existence of the papers! i don't know what it means to be burnt out, and i've never been so. but i reckon that it wouldn't help by grumbling and whining about it. i do admit though, sometimes, i'd just happily tag along and label myself as burning-out. the truth is if you're a fellow smu student, and you bear the brunt of week 13s and whatnots, just hang in there and grit your teeth, and it'd be over. don't whine. it's quite bothering sometimes, really.

but i digress. yes, exams aside, things have been pretty okay. random thoughts come to mind and i get reminded of the kind of life i used to have, and the kind of life i used to aspire to have. there are some questions i didn't have answers to, and till this day, some of these questions remain unanswered. sometimes i really hate being so wishy-washy. but ah, that's me being me. and in fel's words, my cancerous cells are spreading.

but it's random moments like this that exposes yourself to yourself in plain honesty. i don't deny that i lie. but i always believe that if i lie and it's not to anyone else but me myself, i'd still be a good boy. what do you say?

Uncertainties.

if you think you can trick the mind into doing something twice, think again.

recently, nothing much is new less pulling my life together. now, it isn't something new, considering it's week 13 when project deadlines culminate into one huge blast; when everyone gets delirious on caffeine overdose. but really, surviving on barely a few hours on a daily basis isn't funny.

what's funnier is, i've got to confess, is how irrational sometimes the human mind can be. like how i know i ought to be sleeping when i can, but here i am. blogging. facebooking.

ha. life of a uni student. who am i to complain. (:

random thoughts come to mind. and random thoughts go away. sometimes it really isn't how it seems to be. but well. such randomness is something that i ought to be used to by now, isn't it? ha - just read somewhere, that what if i like you not because i like you, but because i dislike loneliness more. does it make me any less of a sinner in liking you than i already am?

my friends are getting matchmaked. some of them are thinking about their purposes in life. one thing for sure is that they are pretty much unsure.

ha, uncertainties.

something to look towards to - exams! then holidays. oh! can't wait! =X

Marriage.

i don't believe in marriage. for a simple fact that marriage is definitely more than what we understand it to be. not every marriage is a happily ever after, and you should never have that kind of expectations from the onset. what we conceive of a marriage life - the blissfulness, is nothing but propaganda of the media. in a recent taiwanese talkshow 今晚谁当家？ they unveiled the difference between how celebrity married couples acted on-screen and off-screen by showing how the couple engaged privately through the cctv planted in the make-up rooms.

jarrrrrrrrrrring difference i tell you, jarring difference.

and coming from where i grew up in, it's not helping. ha

love nourishes life whilst marriage stifles it, for familiarity breeds contempt, especially in a world where choices abound. so why chain up in the shackles and have yourself stepped into the graveyard of love, when you can enjoy the feisty passions. after all, naughty uncertainty is the order for the day, isn't it? ;p

烦。

有时候真的没有闲情应酬生活中琐碎的事

真烦人

Corner.

if there's a corner on this earth where i can withdraw into a recluse, i'd be very glad now.

Move On And Along.

as of today, i have officially stepped down as the president of the band. whilst telling myself my time is over, sometimes i can't help but to worry. well.. they say it's somewhat a withdrawal symptoms, but i always find importance in letting the 后浪 take the centre stage.

i'll leave all the big morals of the stories to myself, but i'd like to share my full length out-going speech that i was supposed to make on the agm here. okay you may skip this big portion if you don't like my nagginess, and yes, the constitutional amendments actually took so long i had to aptly make my speech like a third of its original length.

***

I remember very vividly when I was a year one, still serving my 4th EXCO term as the HR Director, there was an occasion when one of the seniors asked me if I was ever going to contest for the position of the President of Symphonia. I gave a thoughtful pause, and then I replied an affirmative YES. Soon enough, it was time for the 5th EXCO application and it was not long before I started to realize what was to come. Almost immediately after we stepped up, we had our first performance at the Esplanade – Beautiful Sunday, then we had our annual concert Symphonia Festiva in February the following year. And there was the overseas trip – originally the World Music Contest in Netherlands – which we weren’t sure if we were really going in the first place.

Now looking back, it was crazy. Performance at the Esplanade was a first-time for many of us. Whilst it was a fun theme, we performed to an audience of more than 1500. February, Symphonia Festiva: Crowns’ Imperial: we took on a European theme, and the average grade of music played was relatively high and the repertoire was certainly taxing for the members. We then came to a point when we had to decide to press on with our intended plans to participate in the WMC. Barring the fact that the economy was in the doldrums and we faced serious problems in getting enough funds for our members’ subsidy, we had to decide what was best for Symphonia. We were basically torn apart between the members’ favor for WMC, and the reality regarding the standard of the band. Eventually, we opted to look at other competitions that would match our standard then. The decision process was, although realistic, but painful, and many of us were disappointed.

Looking at our options, we decided on the 20th Australian International Music Festival held in Sydney, and then, just as we were preparing for it, we were hit by the outbreak of the H1N1 pandemic. I remember every day before we embark on the trip, my daily routine was to wake up, switch the tv to channel news asia, checking online for the latest update about the disease, and how it’s affecting us. We had to be mindful about the governmental regulations, and to preempt what was going to happen from the side of the organizers, and decisions by the school, especially when we have made the bulk of the payment. I tell you, everyday I lived in fear. And I’m sure my EXCO would share the same sentiments.

But well, these are a few snapshots of how life was like in the 5th EXCO - having to deal with rejections, managing expectations, reacting to unforeseen circumstances. But we learn.

On top of all these, the 5th ExCo remembered the musical excellence that we committed ourselves to. The tutorship scheme was further established and we realized its full implementation during the course of past one year. Under this scheme, each section had the privilege of professional tutelages from professional musicians. This greatly enhanced everyone’s individual musicality within the band, which eventually helped us achieve when we made our debut in the international band scene at the Music Festival. And the rest is history.

Now just as one of our incoming ExCo members shared informally two nights ago, he was simply amazed by the speed at which how the band could learn a piece of music within such a short span of time. Frankly, we only received our scores for our competition repertoire a month before we had to fly off. Our first reading naturally was far from perfection. But eventually we arrived at a standard that everyone would agree that is pretty decent. He said he wanted to find out what exactly happened.

I pondered over this question for the next 2 days, and the best answer I could come up with, was that, the secret to Symphonia’s track record of excellence, after all these years, is it’s people. All this, would not have been possible if not for each and every one of us giving our best and staying committed to our music and the band even through the uncertain times. The people - you and I – we are the best assets to Symphonia. I dare say that we’re probably one of the clubs with the most commitment to what we do, I mean after all, we received the “Outstanding Members Involvement” award from ACF this year. I think our members’ commitment got so badly, that, and I quote the Trombone SL Winnie Su – she actually misses having band pracs twice a week. HAHA.

On this note, I would like to show my appreciation to all the out-going SLs for having done such a wonderful job for the past one year. In the words of our friend from Melbourne, a music teacher himself, Mr. Buchanan, “our trombones have developed a classical tone”, and in our score sheet from Sydney, “outstanding euphonium sounds”, and the praises continue. We can have the best administration, the best tutors, the best scheme, if not for our SLs and the committed members, these would be mere tools. The band is growing in size, and I would only foresee that the importance of SL be growing increasingly more than ever.

To my dearest batchmates in the out-going EXCO – thank you for being patient and being candid with me. In the past one year, there have been many moments of vulnerabilities for each and every one of us. We all learn from each others’ honesty and candidness. Thank you for being there for me in times of crisis, and thank you for filling up the gaps that I could not fill.

To Rachel – thank you for being patient in reminding me things that I would overlook at times.

To Meishan – thank you for being so reliable and steady throughout the year.

To Siyun – I think I can only count on you for Finance, because I don’t think you should trust someone who didn’t do very well for Stats 101 with numbers.

To Sherlyn and Serene – thank you for being so magnanimous with me, especially when I’m in one of those anal moods when I criticized your marketing artworks and yet can’t provide constructive comments.

To Ben – thank you for being reliable.

To Clarensia – you have chosen the right boyfriend. J But more importantly, thank you for going all out to get scores for the band. It’s a thankless job, and I’m glad that you stayed committed to it.

To my friends, Shaun, whom as a fellow president of the ivory keys, have and a fellow schoolmate and bandmate since forever, thank you for your notes of encouragement and friendship when I’m just about right at the lowest point in my presidency.

To the seniors who have always been around – Sebastian, Cixi, Chongmin, Aaron, Edwin, Joshua, Fadzry, Ah lu, there’s also Tim, Cecilia and Kaikit who are on exchange; regardless of batches, your commitment and heart for Symphonia is always so evident.

To OSL and ACF, thank you for always supporting Symphonia. I know we haven’t been the easiest club the work with, but thank you for your patience with us.

Looking back at the past one year, and now standing in front of you recounting all these experiences, from the initial steadfastness and conviction I had for my job since year 1, till this day when I’m about to handover, I can’t help by sigh. Inside me, there’s a bit of reluctance, because the 5th EXCO’s legacy ends here. There are things that could have been done better, but right now, it’s onto the 6th EXCO.

To my in-coming 6th EXCO, always bear in mind that the band looks to you for guidance and directions, and your leadership is important. Those who have served in the 5th EXCO, put what you’ve learnt to your advantage. Always share with the others your past experience. Bring out the best in you and make up for the shortcomings of the others. Remember that in the coming year, you will learn a lot about your weaknesses. Keep an open mind and heart, and learn to improve on them. Help each other along this learning journey by being open and transparent in communications. Be candid, like what my batchmates have done for each other. And you will learn that you have emerged a better person one year from now.

Don’t forget that the seniors are always around for you. We represent a wealth of experience and knowledge that will save you from taking the wrong routes. With the Committee Mentor in place, you will have a legitimate and appointed advisor, readily available, 24/7 I’d expect, at your service. Tap on him/her, and make the best out of us.

I will not wish you guys an exciting year ahead, because it IS going to be exciting whether you like it or not, but I will wish you guys a wonderful time ahead, because trust me, you will enjoy your term of office.

Thank you.

***

i know this is no macbeth's soliloquy, nor julius caesar's leng me your ears speech. but i'm gonna post it up here anyways! hehe. and sherlyn and serene's dedication are in red, because whilst grappling with my list of names to thank, i actually left out the two of them. i guess my mind skipped a beat or two. i felt really bad! and i will take them out for dinner! to make it up.

aiks ):

it's been a joy ride. and although there's been alot of sacrifices, and turmoils, and hardships, it was well worth it - every bit of it!

Cruisey.

cruise - to most of us is one big nautical vessel that sails across half the atlantic ocean where one spends on a good fortnight on a luxurious getaway. what most of us wouldn't know is that to cruise, actually, could possibly mean to look for a sex partner too!

we brought an exchange student who registered with the band - akira - out on a clubbing night today, partly also i had to finish up the bottle i opened at butterfactory before it expires. whilst i didn't exactly looked forward to this somewhat forced (cos i wasn't exactly in the mood to club, or to drink for that matter) clubbing outing, the evening turned out somewhat fun. oh wells, everything's fun after a few drinks, haha.

for the record, akira said in japan, a club's a place where most teenagers go to get either hitched on a relationship or get hooked up for sex.

well, perhaps it's a concept pretty common in other places, even in other asian countries, but i'm still a tad bit uneasy being watched in a club.

i was squeezing my way through the crowd trying to bring the group to the middle of the dancefloor. whilst inching my way through, we passed by this group of young teens and this guy simply gazed in my direction, his head basically did a 270 degree turn as i walked on by. now that got me rather nervy.

just as we settled down on the dancefloor, this other guy dancing in the adjacent group basically looked at me and started smiling silly for god knows how long, and when i looked up, he glanced away a second too late. and that was when i asked my friends if there was something stucked on my face.

then, before i knew it, another person danced by and grabbed me by the waist from behind and patted on my butt!

whilst i'm not craving for attention (though i don't think i lack it), and i do not dig being assaulted from behind (what harm can it do for a guy like me right? after all, it's a good ego-boost and a good pat on the self-esteem), all these set me thinking about what denise said the night before.

returning from barcelona, she said asian girls are popular in european countries, because they are deemed as the exotic species, whereas asian guys are unpopular in european countries, because basically we have small dicks, and we are uncharismatic. she justified herself by saying how european guys would pick up girls in a club with a "hello, you have nice eyes, can i dance with you". i tried to prove her wrong by deomonstrating the exact lines, she concluded that i failed miserably. ):

haha, maybe she knew me well enough for my charms to not work on her. but hey, what's wrong with asian guys!? we may not be a born casanova but at least we're good in husbandry.

maybe it's true that we asian guys deposit our balls alongside their bags at the baggage counter before we step into the clubs. because in denise's exact words, if we're interested in some girl in a club, we'd just "slowly dance behind and start to touch her all over" without even getting to know her name. then maybe it's true that the angmohs know better as to how to treat a lady right.

because if it's for me, unless i'm sufficiently well-downed with alcohol, i don't see myself chatting up any stranger in a club. but then again, maybe i ought to bring my balls around wherever i go!

Rushing To Grow Up.

today attended Klaviesta! - the inaugural SMU Piano Festival. shaun being the president, it goes without saying that i'd show my support. (: and the acjc peeps came by too. nice to see some familiar faces whom i haven't seen in ages. i do feel a tad bit of regrets though that somehow, the distance between us is growing further. nevertheless, the comfort of having familiar old faces around lingers on. if not for prior engagements, i would have gone with them for supper! ):

how time flies - just as anyone would lament.

i sat in icb with bandits looking around at my schoolmates - there were some networking session and some talks earlier on - all dressed in formal executives clothes, sitting by the bar sipping from the magnums placed atop their tables. all looking so adult, all already looking so jaded. if there's anything that you can get out of this school, it's the accelerator that everyone steps on, rushing to grow up. getting their hair permed and putting on make-up so they'd look more feminine, strutting around in beetlebugs cos that's exactly what the top investment bankers' taste is for. and now on a tgif hanging about a bar bantering about the atrocities that took place in the past one week that just whizzed by. and one like us forgets that days got by without us noticing it. before we know it, it's time for yet another week.

the process is too quick and i want to slow things down. i want to dress down and not have to walk around with my working laptop in hand on a weekend. i want to roam downtown with a carefree mind not having to worry what emails have i not followed up on. when can i?

Identiy Crisis.

today for drama and scriptwriting class, prof took us on a tour to the peranakan museum for the reason that the text we're doing for this mod sets itself in a peranakan context. typical of her. anyhow it's some fun. and the babas in singapore's history certainly took a loooong ride to arrive at where they are today. whilst a few decades ago some would abhor the idea of being associated with being peranakan, today we celebrate the richness of the culture with little nonya and sayang sayang.

well my thoughts?

we are descendents of our ancestors and we assume an identity defined by our past. whether we choose to identify with it or not, we are who we are. we can change how we look, how we live, how we think, but for the mere fact that we are part of this lineage does not change where we came from. and probably won't affect where we're headed to.

in many context you'd see its applicability. an organization has a culture accumulated over time. the longer the group in existence, the greater the inertia to change how things are. when you take over the running of an organization, you adopt a legacy. and you're almost immediately imbibed into this family tree; you hold a branch to the canopy now. strutting your own styles may be a projection of who you are inside you, but balancing with the paradigms of the organization would enhance the potential of the organization; because only then your skills and leadership can bring about value creation for the organization, and not stir-up a tempest of dust due to a case of misfit.

when you take over an organization, you adopt a legacy; and more accurately, you assume its new identity.